


A Thousand Shattered Pieces

by kahlen369



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, POV Multiple, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Spoilers for Episode: s05e18 A Single Pale Rose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahlen369/pseuds/kahlen369
Summary: This is before, during and after the revelation that would change everything they thought they knew, forever.-A small part of Pearl was already regretting doing this, even though it was all she’d wanted for so long. Finally, she had a way to tell him, without telling him. But, now that it was actually here, now that everyone would know--because Steven could and would certainly tell them all---she wasn’t sure if she was prepared for the response.How would everyone react? What would the others think?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Full title is: In Which A Single Pale Rose Leads to A Thousand Shattered Pieces
> 
> aka I had all the feels and all the muse after seeing this episode, and so did everyone in the SU cast

“Where’s Steven?”

It was Amethyst who asked first, eyes looking around the temple, landing briefly on his empty bedroom, before looking elsewhere. He was nowhere to found, but that wasn’t too unusual, and so, she was simply curious, instead of alarmed. After all, Pearl was perfectly calm, so Steven was obviously fine.

The Pearl in question was sitting on a chair by the kitchen table, hands on her lap, finger curling as she forced down the instinctive reaction to touch her gem. She wondered where---or more accurately, _when_ \--Steven currently was. In truth, she wasn’t sure if she truly wanted to know.

A small part of her was regretting doing this, even though it was all she’d wanted for so long. Finally, she had a way to tell him, without telling him. But, now that it was actually here, now that everyone would know--because Steven could and would certainly tell them all---she wasn’t sure if she was prepared for the response.

How would they react? What would the others think?

Of Pearl, for keeping the secret all these years, for going along with the crazy plan…

Of Rose, kind, brave, loving Rose, who had kept so many secrets, but this was the biggest and worst of them all...

_(Some tiny, petty part of Pearl, who had been so broken at the realization that Rose kept things even from her, could at least find some shred of satisfaction at knowing this---even as another, even tinier part, whispered, that it was only because Rose had needed her help, had been able to keep her silent--)_

_No_.

Pearl was ready for it all to come out, damn the consequences.

( _She was ready to_ move on, _finally, and she couldn’t, not without finally being able to say_ her name _\--_ )

In fact, thinking of the terrifying heart-stopping moment where Steven had offered himself up to Homeworld on the pretence of being Pink Diamond’s killer---Pearl could only wish she’d realized this method sooner.

Rose had kept so many secrets, even from her, and each had only made things worse, she thought, thinking of poor Bismuth, still up bubbled and angry and furious. How much worse would it be if she knew the truth as well? Would Steven tell her---

“ _Pearl_ ,” Amethyst was calling her name, and shaking her shoulder, bringing Pearl abruptly back to reality, where the younger gem was looking at her in confusion and concern.

“What’s wrong?” She asked with a frown. “Do you know where Steven is?”

Amethyst had backed away now, and she was tapping a foot impatiently, anxiously. At some point, it seemed Garnet had wandered in as well. Her expression betrayed nothing as usual, but her lips was tilted down in a slight frown that could’ve been interpreted as concern as well.

Was her Future Vision showing where Steven was? Pearl didn’t fully understand the mechanics of it, even now, but she understood that it wasn’t infallible, and there were certain things she couldn’t foresee.

More than anyone else, except perhaps Bismuth, she worried how Garnet would react to the news. But it was too late to do anything about it, except perhaps enjoy the few moments of peace they would have left, before the secret was out and ruined everything between them.

So, turning towards Amethyst, she answered simply, with a calm smile on her face that betrayed only a fraction of her nerves, “Steven is currently inside my gem’s subspace.”

The purple-hued gem frowned. Tilting her head, she asked, “ _Why?_ ”

This time, her smile slipped into something a little more real, the satisfaction at finding a solution to her dilemma and the sheer absurdity of the method was almost enough to make her laugh, as she explained, “Looking for my cell phone.”

“Wait, is this the cell phone you weren’t doing anything with? The one I was getting you a case for?”

“I was using it to tell time!” Pearl protested instantly, and the two of them were immediately drawn into a familiar pattern of bickering and teasing, while Garnet watched on, only the slightest upturn of her mouth an indication of her amusement.

And so, for a few more moments, the Crystal Gems sat together in peace, all except one unaware of the news that would soon shift their worlds forever. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, in what seemed like, well, ever, Steven had point blank asked a question to one of the Crystal Gems about a highly uncomfortable topic. 
> 
> -
> 
> This is the result.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part one of it, anyway. the other half of Steven's POV during the episode will be coming up next chapter

Steven had wanted to know the truth for so long. No one would ever tell him anything, especially not the other Crystal Gems, who were always treating him like was a little kid. It was much better now than it used to be, and he could recognize, now that he was a little older, that maybe they hadn’t been wrong to treat him like that in the beginning, when he really had been just a silly little kid who didn’t know what they were doing.

But he was _fourteen_ now, and he’d unlocked a lot of his powers, he could actually  fight and defend himself---he’d been to Homeworld and back, even been face to face with the Diamonds themselves and lived to tell the tale! He was ready, for the truth, for all the things they kept from him.

He could handle it, because maybe he wasn’t his mom, wasn’t Rose Quartz except for the gem in his belly, but he was Steven Quartz Universe, and he was going to be leader of the Crystal Gems everyone hoped he could be.

 

-

 

So when he saw yet another strange dream of Pink Diamond on the moon, this time with Pearl seemingly in it, he’d had _enough_.

For the first time, in what seemed like, well, _ever_ , Steven had point blank asked a question to one of the Crystal Gems about a highly uncomfortable topic. The thoughts had haunted him, enough that he had barely been able to think about the fact that Lapis had left _again  
_

( _If he thought about that harder, he would come to the conclusion that this time was his fault, for blurting out his weird dream about the Diamonds without really thinking about what it would mean, or how it would affect her. He would wonder, if only he hadn’t said anything, or if he’d at least tried to explain that it was dream of the past, of maybe she’d stay. But then, considering what he would soon learn, he would think that maybe, it was best that she had left after all--)_

All he could think of was the dream.

( _And it was always a dream, wasn’t it? That should’ve been a hint, a reminder that this was_ not _going to end well. When had any one of his weird gem dreams_ ever _ended well?_ )

But Steven wasn’t thinking about any of that. All he could think of was the strange silhouette of Pearl, the inconsistencies the Zircon had pointed out, and how it was all pointing him towards a conclusion that he almost refused to consider. But it made sense, didn’t it?

His mom hadn’t shattered Pink Diamond. Pearl did. _Why_ , though? That part he didn’t understand yet. He _wanted_ too though. He just wanted to know the truth, even if it hurt.

However ready he felt he was though, Pearl clearly disagreed. Once again, she refused to speak about it. Her hands clapped over her mouth again, and the moment Amethyst came back, she all but ran away from him.

It should’ve ended there, another dead end.

 

-

 

But then, he got a text.

**I want to tell you, but I can’t.**

 

-

 

He didn’t quite understand. Somehow, Pearl’s gem was texting him from inside her?

Though Steven would much rather just talk about it, Pearl was really, _weirdly_ , insistent about him getting her phone. It felt like he was missing something here, some piece that would have this all make sense.

Maybe that was the cellphone.

So, despite his doubts, he took Pearl’s hand.

 

-

 

Steven had never really thought about what the inside of Pearl’s gem was like. Vaguely, he was aware that it was some kind of pocket dimension since she was always storing stuff and taking stuff out from there, but he’d never thought too hard about what it must’ve looked like.

The first thing he saw seemed right, though. Pearl was nothing if not organized, a far cry from the crazy state of Amethyst’s room. While it was a little surprising to see another Pearl inside, it made sense too. Who else, but another Pearl, would keep all the stuff she stored inside in order?

Everything made sense, at this point, at this level. Steven figured, he would get the cell phone now, and when he returned, maybe Pearl would finally explain everything.

But it wasn’t so easy (when was it ever?), because the cell phone wasn’t there, but somewhere else. With another Pearl, apparently. He wasn’t quite sure he understood how this all worked, but he wasn’t going to turn back now.

 

-

 

When the flash of light passed, he was somewhere in the beach, and he briefly wondered if the Pearl inside Pearl had made a mistake. But as his gaze turned towards the temple, looking very different from usual, he realized he wasn’t just in any beach. He was in the beach.

Steven didn’t think, when he was going inside Pearl’s gem, that he was going to be going inside her head too. Maybe it should’ve been his first thought. _Heck, Pearl’s gem was even_ on _her head!_ But, even with all the gem stuff he was used to by now, even though Steven had technically already been in other people’s minds thanks to his dream powers, this was still new, and different.

It wasn’t exactly fun and games, either. The first Pearl hadn’t been kidding about it being a “mess”. He spotted a familiar figure almost immediately, drawn by the sound of her sad cries.

_Well, this is awkward._

He felt that familiar prickle of guilt in his stomach, the same he felt whenever anyone talked about how they missed his mother. He knew everyone was sad she was gone, but it was much worse to _see_ just how much. Pearl was crying so hard, more than he’d ever seen her, maybe. He felt helpless in the face of her grief, as always.

All he could do was sit next to her, and try to talk to her.

It was at that the point the conversation took a strange turn, or, even stranger, anyway (he was talking to a Pearl inside Pearl inside Pearl's Pearl, after all). He didn’t think Pearl was actually _that_ sad about losing her cell phone, especially when this was supposed to be a past version of her. How did she even know about it, for that matter? It was all getting really confusing, but somehow, he knew, it would all make sense, it would all be alright, once he found the phone.

It _had_ to, right?

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next layers were even worse.
> 
> For so long, all he’d wanted to know was the truth. He wasn’t a little kid anymore, and he didn’t need to be protected from the pain. 
> 
> Now that he was here though, now that he knew, he wasn’t sure he could handle it all after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka the other half of Steven's POV in A Single Pale Rose. All the next chapters will be focused on the aftermath of the episode, and thus, probably going to be AU once the actual episodes air.

The next layer was even worse.

He could still remember, in the beginning, how he’d looked forward to everything related to the gems. At that point, he hadn’t really realized what they’d meant, when they talked about protecting the earth.

( _At that point, he hadn’t even realized that the monster they were fighting were actually other gems, just like them, even though, in hindsight, it should’ve been obvious from the_ gems _that were embedded in all of them--)_

He remembered the first time they’d warped to the strawberry battlefields. The brightly shining fruit growing everywhere had made the place seem warm and inviting, an interesting and cool part of Gem history, of his legacy.

It didn't look like that anything like that place now. He was clearly in the past again, probably not long after the battle ended. The gem weapons weapons were all lying on the ground like he remembered, but there were no strawberry patches to cover them up, and the sky was dark and nearly blood red.

( _Garnet’s words came to him, delivered the second time they’d visited the fields._ Countless gems were broken here. It was a maelstrom of destruction and death. _At the time, he’d hardly listened, had certainly not understood, because he was only a stupid_ kid _\---)_

He shuddered, trying not to look to closely at his surrounding anymore, especially not at the ground, where there were countless broken gems buried. There was nothing he could do to help them, because it was already too late. Warily, Steven pressed on, and he wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking through the battlefield, until he came across another Pearl, who didn’t even turn around.

“Is this really about your phone?” Frustration and fear made him snap, his helplessness and confusion gnawing away at him.

This couldn’t possibly just be about her phone, but he had no idea what it was supposed to be about. Why did Pearl want him to come here? Why was she showing him all this? She’d never liked to talk about the war, at least, not like this. The few stories she’d told him were like something out of a storybook, glorious battles where the Crystal Gems emerged victorious despite the odds against them.

The story she was telling now was nothing like those, and the tone of her voice was chilling. Somehow, it was worse than hearing her cry.

“What do you mean? Just tell me!”

But she didn’t say anything. She just shook her head and held out her hand.

 

-

 

In the next layer, it was even darker, in more ways than one. He could barely see anything around him, except the ground before him---where there were pink shards.

Realization hit him then. This was the moment Pink Diamond was shattered.

There was the sound of battle nearby, but he was hardly paying attention to that, too focused on the figure standing before him, in front of a palanquin (a _pink_ palanquin). It was… his mom? But what was she doing here? He moved closer, cradling the pink shards in his hands.Once he did he realized he was wrong. Or rather, he was right, all along.

It wasn’t his mother standing before him, with pink shards on the ground, but _Pearl_.

“I knew it, it was you who shattered her.” As terrible as it was to have it confirmed, part of him was relieved, because at least he knew the truth, knew he was right, even if he didn’t understand the why behind it yet.

But then, she was showing him her hand, a Pink Diamond gem, perfectly safe and unshattered.

And he didn’t know anything at all.

_“I don’t understand.”_

 

-

 

He was in another layer, though it didn’t seem that way, because he wasn’t far away from the last one. He was inside the palanquin. What was he doing here? He got off the giant chair, drawn to the back of it by the sound of voices.

It was Pearl, and his mom?

Confused, he could only watch as the two talked, unaware of his presence. It was another memory, he realized immediately. Steven recalled the other time Pearl had shown him a memory of her and his mother speaking to each other, her holograms flashing to recreate the moment.

This was on a whole other level, and he hardly knew what to think as he watched. His mother was acting strange. So was Pearl. He wondered if this was really  going to answer all his questions.

And then:

_I can’t exactly shatter myself._

_Wait, what?_ Steven thought numbly, the pieces of the puzzle slowly starting to form in his mind as he realized what the words meant.

He hardly had time to wonder if he was right, because in the next moment, he was watching, with mouth agape in shock, as Rose Quartz transform into Pink Diamond before his very eyes.

He backed away instinctively, previous experience with the Diamonds, everything he’d thought he’d known about them going through his mind. He watched, as Pink Diamond--his _mother_ \---blew into some dirt and created the fake pink shards he’d held in his hands in the last layer. _So that’s what happened,_ he thought, as she swallowed the fake shards. It was all starting to make sense, even if, at the same time, it seemed to make no sense at all.

 _Let’s never speak of this again._ Pearl’s hands were placed over her mouth. _No one can ever know._

The final piece of the puzzle slid into place then. _I can’t tell you._ Pearl had meant it literally, it turned out. All this time, he had thought it was him, that she wouldn’t tell him because she thought he wasn’t ready, that he couldn’t handle it.   

Pearl turned to him then, startling him when she spoke, “Sorry to make you come all this way.”

She held out the cell phone he’d been looking for, he took it on instinct. Steven didn’t know what to say. _What could he say?_

This Pearl didn’t seem to expect a reply anyway. Without another word, she shapeshifted into the form of Rose Quartz, just as he’d seen her in the previous layer. The flower in her hair fluttered to the ground, and he realized it was the same flower from the text.  

Heart heavy, he watched her draw the curtain and leave, knowing what she was about to do.

The sounds of the battle outside seemed to grow louder then, and his gaze fell back to the cellphone. Remembering Pearl’s words to him, before this all began, he typed out. _Found it._

 

-

 

For so long, all he’d wanted to know was the _truth_. He wasn’t a little kid anymore, and he didn’t need to be protected from the pain.

Now that he was here though, now that he knew, he wasn’t sure he could handle it all after all.

_Because his mom was Pink Diamond._

Instinctively, his hand flew to the gem on his belly, the one that he’d thought was a Rose Quartz all this time. But it wasn’t. It was some weird, twisted up Pink Diamond--- _and his mom was some weird twisted up Diamond, after too!_

Steven wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry or laugh. It was so hard to believe, that all this time, the answer was inside of himself all along. _Literally_.

 

-

 

For most of his life, pretty much as long as he could remember, he had never been sure quite how to feel about his mother. He had never had a chance to meet her, beyond the pictures and the stories that had come from his father and the Crystal Gems.

For the longest time, all he knew about his mom was that she was the best, kindest, most incredible gem ever. She was the fearless leader of the Crystal Gems, powerful and strong.

But more than anything though, all that he knew about her was that everyone was sad she was gone.

Everyone except him, because he had never met her. All Steven could conjure up was a hollow sort of wistfulness, where he imagined what she might’ve been like, where he missed the possibility of having a mother.

 

-

 

Slowly, over time, he started to see a different side to her. A _darker_ side.

She kept secrets, even from her closest friends. She didn’t tell them about lion, or her apparent ability to raise the dead and turn them into pink zombies with a magical dimension in their hair, because that was what lion actually, was, wasn’t he?

She bubbled Bismuth, without ever saying a word about it to any of the other Crystal Gems. They’d fought over the Breaking Point, over shattering enemy gems, which she’d refused to to.

Until she _shattered_ Pink Diamond.

Except she didn’t, because _she_ was _Pink Diamond_ , and as she herself pointed out, _she couldn’t exactly shatter herself, could she?_

Steven could still hardly believe it, even though he’d seen it with his own eyes.

 

-

 

He fell to the floor with a thud, colliding painfully with the wooden floors of the house. But he hardly felt it.

 _“_ I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, _”_ Pearl was crying out, the moment he was back from her gem.

There were tears flowing freely from her eyes, and though part of Steven sought to comfort her, though he wanted to say something, give a reply, his mind was still reeling from the revelation.

The words fell from his mouth before he could stop them. His gaze was faraway, and his tone was weary, when he spoke, the weight of the secret he’d learned clearly heard in every word.

“Mom was Pink Diamond.”

 


End file.
